


skate like the wind

by chilledmilk



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: M/M, Other, fart jokes, its all just fart jokes im so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-07-22 07:43:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7426153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chilledmilk/pseuds/chilledmilk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a new trend in the Haus, and it involves a sense of humor that Eric Richard Bittle will not tolerate.</p><p>AKA the one where everyone won't stop making fart jokes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	skate like the wind

**Author's Note:**

> im disgusting you're welcome :-)

It starts in the locker room.

“Wait, so we were supposed to have put in the cap and gown order already?” Shitty asks Jack as the team changes after practice. “Fuck. I can probably do it late, right?”

“I’m not sure,” Jack says, voice muffled by the sweater he’s pulling over his head. “I put mine in a month ago.”

“Blah blah blah, graduation, graduation,” Ransom shouts out from the other side of the room. “The two of you, always going on and on about ceremonies and grad school and professional hockey. But you’re never allowed to leave us.”

Holster laughs, whacking Ransom on the shoulder. “Hey bro, why did the fart never graduate?”

“Oh, do tell.”

“Because it kept getting expelled!”

The two erupt in laughter, and a few chuckles can be heard around the room. Bitty, fresh from the shower, gives the two a disapproving look as he buckles his belt.

“Are y’all in the third grade?” He clucks. “Fart jokes, sweet heavens.”

* * *

They spend the following afternoon in the library. Ransom is 15 minutes late to the team study group — a scheduled time to pretend to educate themselves in a library full of annoyed peers. There’s a reason people hate the hockey team.

“Sorry guys, my class ran late.” He slips into the open chair next to Holster. “What did I miss?”

“Actually, Ransom, I’ve been wondering about something only a science major could answer,” Holster says. The others lean in with intrigue.

“Ask away, bro.” Ransom responds.

“Well, what would it be called if the Queen of England were to, ah, break wind?” Holster asks in a serious tone. (“Lord, here we go again,” Bitty mumbles to an eye-rolling Jack.)  
“Ah, now that would be a chem question,” Ransom responds enthusiastically. “Now, I may be a bio major, but I do know my fair share of chemistry. And I believe that would be called… a noble gas!”

They laugh loudly enough to earn a “Shut up!” from the stressed out girl two tables away. Shitty can’t hide a snicker, which earns him pained looks from Bitty, Jack, and Lardo.

“Sorry guys,” Shitty apologizes. “I guess you could say they… blew me away.”

“Bro!” Ransom and Holster shout happily in unison, reaching for high fives. Bitty throws his head in his arms and sighs.

* * *

Chowder skates up to Jack as he warms up before practice.

“Hey Jack, could you help me with a stretch?” He asks the captain.

“Of course, what can I do?”

“Uh,” Chowder looks over his shoulder briefly and his cheeks color. “Could you pull my finger?”

Jack’s jaw drops, and Shitty howls from where he’s standing nearby. Chowder skates away hurriedly. “They made me! Sorry!” He yells, pointing to where Ransom and Holster are giving him a thumbs up from the bench.

* * *

One night, Nursey asks the Haus if he can rehearse a spoken-word poem for an open mic. They gather in the living room, unusually quiet as they respectfully wait for Nursey to begin.

He clears his throat, and in a dramatic voice, Nursey begins:

“ _A Belch is just one gust of wind,_  
_That cometh from thy Heart..._  
_But should it take the downward trend,_  
_It turns into a Fart_.”

“Christ’s sake!” Bitty yells, stalking into the kitchen as the living room fills with raucous laughter.

“Sorry, Bitty!” Nursey says with a grin, leaning back against the wall. “I just had to make sure it didn’t _stink_.”

* * *

Bitty calls a secret meeting. Jack, Lardo, and Dex meet him at Annie’s one morning before class. They huddle over peppermint mochas.

“We need to do something about this potty humor,” Bitty says. “They’re out of control! I thought it would pass by now, but it’s been over a week.”

“Haha. _Pass_. Pass _gas_.” Dex chuckles, then freezes. Bitty glares and points out the door.

“Out.”

After Dex leaves—drooping with shame—Bitty looks at the other two with bewilderment.

“It’s an epidemic,” he whispers, eyes wide. “Dex didn’t even know he was doing it.”

Jack pats his back consoling, but Lardo just shrugs.

“I don’t know, man,” she says. “I’ll admit, it’s not that bad. Shitty’s told me a few funny ones. Like, what did the maxi-pad say to the fart?”

Jack and Bitty stare at her blankly.

“...’You are the wind beneath my wings,’” she finishes slowly. Bitty just shakes his head sadly.

“Oh, Lardo,” he says, cupping her face. “I can’t not love you, but I really don’t like you right now.”

“Well, you know what they say,” Lardo shrugs and gets up with a smile. “Love is like a fart — if you have to force it, it’s probably shit.”

She cackles as she leaves, and Bitty buries his face into Jack’s collarbone and groans. Luckily, he can’t see the barely-contained twitch at the corner of Jack’s mouth.

* * *

Bitty can hear them from the kitchen, where he is stress baking.

“If a wood cutter farts in the forest, and there is no one to hear it, does it make a sound?”  
“That depends — if a forest ranger farts in the forest, and there is no one to smell it, does it make a smell?”

“What goes straight through your pants, but doesn’t leave a hole?”  
“A big fart!”

“Ah, bro. I just had a joke — but I blew it!”

It’s too much.

Bitty senses Jack’s presence behind him more than hears him. He’s used to him sneaking in like this.

Jack leans against the counter next to him and watches as Bitty finishes whisking the batter for the brownies he’s making. Jack sticks a finger in the batter and quickly sucks it into his mouth, closing his eyes at the deliciousness.

“How have those boys not ruined your appetite?” Bitty asks him, sending a gentle hip check his way. Jack shrugs.

After pouring the batter into the a pan and placing it into the oven, Bitty settles in the circle of Jack’s arms.

“Honestly, it doesn’t really bother me,” Jack admits. Bitty looks up at him, betrayed. “But I’ll keep acting annoyed on your behalf,” he amends with a fond smile.

Bitty buries his face in the soft cotton of Jack’s shirt and gives a deep sigh. He’s the last man standing, and he won’t let his stubbornness come between him and his team. Besides, maybe if he stops putting up such a fuss, the rest of the boys will get over this phase quicker. He peeks back up at Jack, whose blue eyes are still focused on his face.

“Well, I suppose I could just be bitter,” Bitty says slowly. “I used to tell a whole lot of jokes about tootin’, but everyone told me they stunk.”

Jack giggles, but the sound of it is lost under a loud gasp from behind them. Shitty had apparently just walked into the kitchen, and overheard the exchange.

“Everyone, quick!” Shitty yells, throwing his arms around the pair. “Bitty made a fart joke!” The rest of the team, cheering, enters the room and piles onto the hug.

“Y’all are being too sentimental about this. It’s time to cut the cheese.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks 4 reading and thanks 2 all the web pages i visited tonight titled "Funny Fart Jokes!" almost none of these jokes are mine i got them all from random pages i cant even source them sorry
> 
> also just so u know, according to huffpo "baking brownies" is a term for "fart" so Yes, even that was a joke ur welcome
> 
> for more potty humor u can find me @stressballer on tumblr!


End file.
